During pour youth most of us go through a stage where we want to be in somebody else’s skin, we don’t accept ourselves for who we are, and we focus on the bad things rather than the things we are proud of.
November 28th
He told me that if he couldn’t be with me, he had no reason to live. He admitted to me that I would be the only girl he ever love and I could not take it. I still can’t accept it but I guess it’s a mold I will just have to sink into. I being myself am willing to do anything to save someone even if it is from themselves. He needed to be saved, if being with him was the only way I could save him, then that’s what I would have to do.
So here I am speaking to him on the phone while he holds the gun that will take his life. One pull from the trigger would be the answer to his pleads for death, he explained to me that I was lucky that the shotgun was inside and that he only had the time to grab a small pistol which belong to his father.
I could not believe that I was to blame or was going to be the one to blame for his death. Someone I loved so dearly became a parasite that I just wanted gone. I didn’t care how; it was just a matter of termination.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I called the suicide prevention hotline which linked me to the Sheriff’s department which linked me to another suicide hotline in
The
My adress, name, date of birth and who some of the other people who knew what was going on were. I did my best to answer again, at this point shaking not knowing why they needed to know all this. The woman on the other line informed me that she was going to contact someone else, in order to find another puzzle piece.
I went to sleep.
November 29th
His mother called me; she told me that he was at a Rehab center, somewhere where he could get help. She told me that he cried to her begging for my forgiveness and wanted me to call him.
I was given the inpatient telephone number and after I hung up the phone I gave it my first try.
Called the first time. busy tone.
Called the second time. Another.
Called the third time. It began to ring.
Until finally a laidback voice came from the speakers on my phone.
“Yes?” She said.
I stumbled nervously on my words not knowing whether it was the right number or what to even say.
“C-C-Can I speak to Sean?” I said.
“Who is Sean?”
“He is a patient who was brought in last night” I said, this time with a little more confidence.
Again, she said “Who is Sean?” but this time not to me, but to the people in the background.
I didn’t hear her get an answer. I was too busy rubbing my name onto the cluttered dust in the sink at my aunt’s house.
“He’s outside!” I heard her speak loudly into the phone, I must have been zoning out because I had not heard her say anything before that.
“Alright, thank you ma’am. Um, should I call back or will he be able to call me?”
“I don’t know, maybe try calling back”
“Okay, thank you”
I hung up.
I took a break from freaking out and looked silently into the mirror, I was breaking out all over my face and my bangs were all messed up.
After that, I decided to call his mom again just to let her know that, I still wasn’t able to talk to him.
I called and it simply rang no answer though.
I hung up before she got a chance to see who was calling.
Two minutes later she called back,
“Hey Ellz, its Trish”
“Hey, they told me he was outside. I’m going to try to call again later; I just thought I would let you know.”
“Alright, well make sure you call him, he is really waiting for your call.”
“I know, I will.”
“Thank you, bye!”
“Yeah, bye.”
A couple minutes passed and suddenly my phone began to vibrate.
I answered anxiously seeing that the area code was 352 which is the area code in
“Hello?” I said.
“Ella, its Sean”
“Oh, hey! Are you feeling any better?”
“I don’t know, they confiscated the gun and have me on some anti-depressants. I guess, I’m doing a bit better now that I’m talking to you and not feeling so crappy.”
“That’s good, I guess. I mean, I’m just glad that you’re safe and stuff.”
(I might have forgotten to tell you, that last night before the police found him; I was forced to tell him that I would get back with him. And he made me promise that I want lying, so I did.)
“So, are you keeping your promise?”
“I suppose so; I just want you to be safe”
“Will you be happy?”
Under my breath I spoke the truth, “No, I will not” but I told him what he wanted to hear, he needed to know that I would. So I said “Yes, I will keep my promise”
“Thank you so much baby!” He said cheerfully.
“Um, you’re welcome.”
“I love you?”
“I...I...love you too”
I can’t believe that I had even managed to say that, I’m a really bad liar and that just went out so smoothly. Or should I say, smoother than usual.
“Well, call me every half an hour! I can’t call you because the phone does not have long distance. I mean, the patient phone, this is just the office phone”
“Oh, okay. I will call you whenever I get a chance”
“Thank you again baby, I love you so much”
I hung up, I couldn’t say it again. I could not lie to a sick person again, I just couldn’t do that, it would just hurt me.
I walked back into my cousin’s bedroom and decided to call my sister Cammie, now that my best friend Juan doesn’t have a phone. But he was getting a haircut anyway; I just decided to go to someone quick.
As soon as she picked up, I blurted out
“He’s at rehabilitation center, he’s on pills, he’s okay, they had helicopters looking for him and everything, he’s getting baker acted.”
“Okay?”
“Yes, the only thing is I might have to be with him for a while, you know just to help him get through some stuff”
“Just don’t give him too much hope”
“I know, hopefully we can be just friends, good friends, somewhere along those lines?”
“Yeah, I get you! Well, I have to go move my bed now and reorganize the room for my new bed on Tuesday”
“Yeah, same here.”
“You are getting a new bed too?!”
“Nephi just have to reorganize. My room?”
“Okay, bye!”
“Bye!”
“Boi!”
“Ew?”
Click, she was gone.
And again I felt like I just had to, vent to someone.
I called the rehab center it took me six tries, until they answered.
“Hello?” again that freaking laid back voice said.
“Can I talk to Sean Jones?”
“He isn’t in his room right now.”
Click.
I waited half an hour before trying to call again.
At 7 ‘o’ clock, I called again.
The phone rang, they answered.
“Can I talk to Sean?”
“One moment”
“Hello?”
“Hi Sean”
It was just another depressing conversation, we made a schedule.
I would call him after school,
He would be “expecting” my call.
Then finally the last call of the day arrived, it was at
The last time I called they immediately linked me to him. He told me about the nasty snack which was a piece of meat with a bunch of green specks on them and about the “amazing” shower. He said it was high powered and that it was great but that the soap made your skin all reptile-ish. I giggled along with him trying to make the best of it.
He reminded me of how much he loved me and how things would be after he got out of there and asked me to change his relationship status on myspace to: In a relationship and to make me the first on his top seven.
We talked and talked and talked, until a woman who worked there told him it was time to get off the phone. He warned me and said that he loved me again and again. And every time I tried to get off the phone by saying that I had to go sleep he would yell “WAIT!” and I stopped myself from pressing the end button.
Until finally, I hung up.
Tomorrow will be a new day and an opportunity to make up new lies that will have their consequences in the future.
I wrote this just to show what I had been through and explain why I didn’t do my homework or read my book. Just do what I felt was more important and frankly, that was my ex boyfriends life.
